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Dear Canada,

I miss you. Really I do. Italy, for all its glorious awe-inspiring history and delicious food, lacks your pristine wilderness, your hockey prowess, and your well-tempered, even-keeled, electorate. Italy’s politics are truly a bordello, or a casino. Either way it’s a fucked up jumble of splintered parties full of corrupt politicians; a messed up mess. But I’m sure you can empathize, what with all the sponsorship scandaling, other cynicism-inducing events, and i-don’t-know-what-else has been going on over there. And there are other similarities: eg. both countries are in an election year. Election years mean big promises, big accusations, big deals. Here and there. It is for this reason I’m writing: I have some things to tell you. I don’t feel I should need to, but apparently I do. Because you’re in danger and I’m scared. Here goes: Stephen Harper is fucking loony! That guy eats crazy for breakfast lunch and dinner. Moderate? No. That’s election time playpretend he’s doing. It’s easy to see from here. Do not vote for him. Don’t let other people vote for him.

Now Canada, I know you don’t want election advice from Italy. Italy is wicked fucked up. I mean, Silvio Berlusconi!?! Prime Minister?!? That guy is an out-and-out criminal, a true sleazebag. I for one would not want a former cruise ship singer turned media mogul/the richest man in the country running my country. However, if it were a race betweeen Berlusconi and Stephen Fucking Harper, i’d probably vote Berlusconi. Because yes, he’s corrupt, but then again, he’s a politician, and it’s a dirty game, especially on the national level. Get used to it. And then get over it. Don’t run voting for a bad guy just because some other bad guy fucked you. If I got robbed in an alley I wouldn’t run to some other alley-dwelling mugger and ask for help. Especially if he was Stephen Harper. Remember: Stephen Harper is a fucking loony. He’s dangerous. he’s a militant, gay-hating, social-program-slashing Republican wannabe right-wingnut. If he were Prime Minister we’d have had troops in Iraq. Now there’s a fucking bordello! Good God. Speaking of God: Get your church shoes shined up if you’re voting Harper, there’s gonna be some heavy religion rammed down your throat. God Bless Canada!

Now I know you’re hurting. I know PM Paul fucked some shit up, damaged the trust. But if it’s options you need: what about Jack Layton. He’s pretty harmless, makes sense when he forms policy, and is actually a human being to boot. What about him? What about anything but Stephen Harper. Vote Paul Martin back in and stay on him to keep those juicy election promises. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face, it’ll just make you horribly disfigured. With a crazy Prime Minister. Like Stephen Harper.

Mark me: if you vote Stephen Harper in, I’m gonna stay gone. I may be back to collect my things, but I ain’t staying. I’ll take my chances with Berlusconi. Jesus I wouldn’t even want to go back to North America to live in Mexico what with GWB and the Fucking Harpy running amok next door. Talk about ruining the neighborhood…

Please: when you go the polls, be careful. I know the urge to punish is strong, but don’t make a bed you (or I) don’t want to lie in.

With love and hope for a safe and responsible election,

Ryan Millarelli