Fact: beer is delicious. Especially in Belgium, where beer-making has had literally hundreds and hundreds of years of practice to get it right. Belgium has close to one billion types of beer, so there’s something for every taste.

There’s also, since summer 2008, a beer for someone with no taste whatsoever. Hoegaarden Citron.

Hoegaarden is a white (witte/wit/blanche) beer. A refreshing, light and summery beer, it goes very well with a circle of lemon in your glass. The logical progression (marketing-wise) is to just add that lemon right there during production and WHAMMO! No need for the labour-intensive citrus-addition process to take place on the consumer end. Sounds simple, right? (Not to mention thoughtful)

Especially if you’ve been making white beer since the Middle Ages, as they’ve been doing in the small Flemish village of Hoegaarden. You couldn’t possibly fuck this up.

Naturally, it’s a blech-storm of fuck-uppedness. Hoegaarden Citron, proudly brewed by Hoegaarden, (now property of Belgian mega-brewery InBev) tastes like it was concocted by a hyperactive seven-year old up past his bedtime: heavy on the sickly sweet artificially lemony syrup, light on the barley, malt, hops, and water. Whoever put this kid in charge should be executed for crimes against beer.

The grossness is unimaginable. It tastes, believe it or not, like ‘suck’.

Hoegaarden Citron = FAIL