Canada loves American elections

These elections in America are going to be so great for Canada!

At the end of this two-year-long Campaign Season, there will be a new president.

Two years is a long time to be saturated with American election news. Especially considering that the shit is not only wicked long, but also wicked complicated… Superdelegates? Electoral College? Primaries, caucuses, attack ads? Why do you even try to export this fucked up brand of ‘democracy’?

Anyway, despite the vagaries it should be entertaining.

Will Hillary “the Inevitable” Clinton (now Hillary “On the Verge of Tears” Clinton) be able to put a stick in the spokes of Barack the “Audacious Hoper” Obama’s campaign wheels?

Will one of those crazy religious Republicans come back to challenge either of those Dems for the Oval Office?

Stay tuned over the next 11 months.(Don’t! Miss! A! Moment!)

What a spectator sport!

But Canadians get the best prize of all: a new neighbour/President. Because we too have a stake in the outcome we can watch this 11 month dog-and-pony horse-race with detached interest, or attached disinterest.

We also have reason to be damn optimistic about the prospects: whomever is elected we can be sure he will not be as retarded, nor arrogant, nor violent as GW Bush. He, or she will definitely not be George W Bush.
For that we can all be thankful.

We Canucks can also, in time, be thankful that we’ve endured 8 years of that fucktard in the White House. Y’see, Canadians have a bit of an inferiority complex as regards our bigger, more powerful (in every sense of the word) neighbour to the south; an inferiority complex that will be remedied.

Come the new reign (and I’m ‘audaciously hoping’ here) there will be changes: a more multilateral, outward-looking, soft-power-focused, genuinely compassionate administration. For which Canada will naturally be happy.

But the best part is that Canada can adopt an attitude similar to the one the class punching bag would have if he’d just seen the school bully piss his pants.

It doesn’t matter how much time is put between the present and the event, he will always smirk knowingly.

“Hey America! Remember when George W. Bush was your president?” we’ll say, maintaining a chummy tone, “that was crazy-fucked up huh?”

America, of course, will agree; if only in the vain hope it will shut Canada up.

Canada will continue: “Hey! You know what was really fucked up? When you re-elected him! For four more years! You really pissed your pants on that didn’t you? I mean, can you imagine?” America will nod his head, face reddening, shoulders sagging.

And now I, like the rest of my countryfolks, will have, for the rest of my life, something… not to be jealous of America for, or indignant about, but to tease them mercilessly about.

Other than hockey of course.

2017-09-14T08:44:15+00:00 January 10 2008|