Before Arya was born, I convinced myself that I would do everything required of me, in order to be an involved parent. I’d change dirty diapers, and get up in the middle of the night… the whole business, even though it would take me some psyching up and deep focus. I was wrong.
I do them not because I choose to, or because I’m supposed to, I just do. And it’s not a big deal. She was barely a day old and I was elbow deep in baby shit and I realized that no psyching up had taken place. None was required.
That’s what I hadn’t understood. I thought I would be virtuous and noble by tending to my daughter’s needs. But that’s not true. She’s changed me, and the guy who needed to get psyched up is gone. In his place is a dad who doesn’t need to think about handling the messy glorious business, of tending to the needs of this tiny ferocious human.
For someone who has spent a big part of his life being self-centered, it’s a big and refreshing change to put someone else at the center. Of course, now and again, (like Father’s Day), I get to have some me-time. And today that meant going for a walk, just me and her. Before lunch and sunny park times with her mom.