Twelve days, no more no less

It’s now almost Christmas Eve, but still we can have Twelve Days of Christmas, because fitting that many days of Christmas into so few actual days can be achieved by, if nothing else, a Christmas miracle, and this time of year is perfect – ideal even – for Christmas miracles.

On  the _____ day of Christmas my true love gave to me.*

DAY ONE: One mall Santa outfit**
DAY TWO: Two identical snowflakes***
DAY THREE: An Elf sequel****
DAY FOUR: Another glass of egg nog†
DAY FIVE: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Gooooooooolden Riiiiings††
DAY SIX: A bunch of ninjabread men†††
DAY SEVEN: A functional chimney††††
DAY EIGHT: Bob Dylan’s ‘Christmas in the Heart’
DAY NINE: The unionizing of Santa’s reindeer‡‡
DAY TEN: A pause from all the festivities just to reset, although maybe with some ice skating – that wouldn’t hurt. And can be either festive or just some wintry exercise. Yeah, ice skating.§
DAY ELEVEN: A goose or a turkey. Although a pheasant will also work.¶
DAY TWELVE: A Christmas miracle every hour, on the hour\


*The original song is written as if the true love has already given these presents. Or, I suppose it could have been written with a certainty that this is how the gift-reception will go down for each of the twelve days.

I find it hard to imagine anyone being certain of receiving any number of lords, let alone predict that they would do something so ignoble as leaping, but the song offers no explanation, and I – full disclosure here – have steadfastly refused to do any research whatsoever on the song’s origins. Suffice to say, many of the other presents sung about, are equally improbable. A partridge? Sure. But a partridge and a pear tree? That seems wildly unlikely. Therefore, in the spirit of not being bound by likelihood, I too am going with a ‘wish list’-type approach.

** This seems a really practical outfit for this season. Office Christmas party. Santacon, lounging around the house, dinner parties… there is really no December occasion that this won’t work. In a pinch, I will also accept a sweater with snowflakes and reindeer on it.

*** Allegedly no two are alike, so imagine how valuable having a set would be! And how impermanent – thus outlining the transitory nature of material goods, such as snowflakes and gifts, and reinforcing the permanence (and thus importance) of intangible like love and Christmas spirit. Make my snowflake a double!

**** Anchorman is a terrific film, and I’m sure Ancorman 2 will be laugh-out-loud funny. But the Will Ferrell movie begging for both a sequel and a December release no less, was most certainly Elf.

† One glass of egg nog is rarely – if ever – enough.

†† This is a really good gift. I’d like to order up the originals, exactly as the songwriter intended. Then I can know what size they were – were they like engagement rings, or merry-go-round rings or what?! This is how I can find out.

††† I like gingerbread men. I like ninjas. I love wordplay. This one is really a no-brainer, mystery true love gift-buyer.

†††† There are so many holes in the Santa theory. And most of them can be plugged by a functional chimney. So I guess the gift of an actual working chimney that Santa could plausibly wiggle his nose at and be transported up and down would go a long way to reinjecting some suspension of disbelief back into the Santa story.

‡ This is just a rock solid Christmas album from a goddamn music icon. If I have to explain this to you, or you don’t get this for me on or around Day Eight, why are you even my true love? What do we have in common?!

‡‡ I’d feel churlish if I didn’t offer a little something to the mythical animals who make this happen. Christmas isn’t just about giving, it’s about giving back. Come to think of it, I suppose the elves should also get a union.

§ Ice skating is good and good for you. Wintry, but not too festive. However, if I have a holiday sweater, it’s the perfect blend of warm wholesome exercise and festive bonding. Of course, by Day Ten we’re putting the emphasis on the exercise.

¶ Christmas is nothing without a bird in the oven, roasting away! It’s the smell, the ritual, the communal dining, the trimmings… everything. If we’ve made it this far we might as well go all the way and do it right!

\ You’ve checked everything else off the list. Well played. So there must be more than a bit of holiday magic floating around. Prove it.

*§‡†* If you don’t come through on anything else, thanks at least for the opportunity to have a typographical exercise in extensive footnoting.