The Rapture has been Rescheduled

Imagelink

When 21 May came and went without so much as a single Ascension, lead Rapture enthusiast Harry Camper was half dumbfounded and partially flabbergasted.
But, rather than getting all bummed out about it, he did what any good doomsayer would do: he went back to his scripture to see where he fucked up.

Camper had always claimed that the endtimes would begin on 21 May, and continue through to 21 October. But, according to the BBC, after going over his notes, and crunching some numbers late on the Sunday of a Rapture-free weekend “it had ‘dawned’ on him that a ‘merciful and compassionate God’ would spare humanity by compressing the apocalyptic destruction into a shorter time frame.”

And, though his math will be called into question, nobody doubts his earnestness; when one rapture fails to materialize he just gets right back to prognosticating the apocalypse. It must have been so easy to teach him to ride a bike.

And it’s great news for us naysayers, because his revised timeline for the End of Days means we’ve got a bit more time to get ready.

However, the people who sold their worldly possessions and invested heavily in the 21st of May as The End are reportedly pretty miffed. All too easily I can imagine their disappointment at not being dead. It’s pretty sad stuff.

But maybe they’re just not seeing the big picture. So here’s a quick pep talk: “Chin up you big palooka! At least you don’t have to worry about quitting your job, selling your home and giving away all your worldly possessions – that’s already done. You can just chillax until October’s Rapture. Feel better? I thought so.”

And here’s some more encouragement (this feelgood sentiment applies to everybody): “Hurray! The world hasn’t ended!”

Yet.

2015-02-03T16:00:52+00:00 May 24 2011|