People say a lot of shit. All the time. The worst part is that all that shit is usually stuff they’ve actually thought about. Or stuff that they care about. Or stuff they want to tell you because they care what you think about it.

More often than not, it’s better to just let fire with whatever crazy, mean, hilarious animal-centric shit that you’re thinking. By ‘better’ I mean ‘funnier’.

Sleep Talking Man is a wife’s website dedicated to the bizarre sleeptime rants of her ‘mild-mannered English husband’.

The nutball things this very normal guy says in his sleep would be near-impossible to believe if his wife didn’t record them and transcribe them for our enjoyment.

“Why don’t you stand in fuck-up corner. You can stay there ’til, I don’t know, I-don’t-give-a-shit-about-you ‘o clock.”

How does an asleep guy get to be that caustic and witty? I have no idea.

His subconscious is really into animals. Mumbling things like:

“My badger’s gonna unleash hell on your ass. Badgertastic!”


“Snail fiddling is not an occupation I’d be proud of. You dirty fucker.”

Naturally this got picked up by the news and the couple did the talk show circuit. Naturally there’s all kinds of merchandise available at their online store.

Shit my Dad Says started as the Twitter account of Justin Halpern, in which he shared with the world some of the solid gold nuggets of crotchety straight-talk that his 74 year-old dad says. Such as

“STOP apologizing. You’re sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife.”


“A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face… My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”

Off the raging success of these pearly gems of fatherly advice Halpern (an editor for got himself a sitcom development deal.

Today they announced that Captain James T. Kirk is gonna be the dad and say all the shit for the pilot. So yeah, awesome.

I predict a Sleep Talkin’ Man-inspired web cartoon in the very near future.

The point is that if you’re asleep or old just let it go, babble, shout and rant, because who cares what the fuck other people think.

If you don’t have the good fortune to be asleep or old, then learn from these guys. Mellow out and speak your mind. Don’t hold back.

Or as Halpern’s dad would say:

“Don’t ever say stuff just because you think you should. That’s the definition of an asshole.”