…He makes fat stacks of cash on the financial markets!

According to a study by John Coates, Mark Gurnell and Aldo Rustichini, (and subject of a front page article in today’s Financial Times, and also quoted by the CBC) a long ring finger on the right hand is a strong indicator that that person was exposed to high levels of prenatal androgenic steroids.

Whoa, you may be saying, what does ‘prenatal’ or ‘steroids’ (let alone ‘androgenic’) have to do with someones ability to be a successful financial trader? I’m glad you asked.

Apparently, these prenatal ‘roids somehow (insert science here) makes a person better suited to be a successful ‘high-frequency trader’. How successful? well, those with the longest and most elegant fingers had an average annual income of £680,000, which is 11 times more than those traders with short, stubby ring fingers.

This particular study didn’t, uh, ‘study’ the fingers of long-term investors, bank managers, or other financiers, so we’re limited to short-term traders – but what we know is pretty enlightening, and perhaps life-changing.

Take me, for example: I have a pretty long ring-finger. OK, sure. Maybe it’s not £680k long, but it’s pretty fucking long, like, say, £200-300k long, easy.

That’s awesome! I mean, I don’t know thing one about financial whatevers, but say we lowball that estimate to £200k, and say I only trade like once a week, or even just a couple days a month, and even take into account that the global economy is right in the pooper – that’s still… I don’t know exactly, but a whole lot of pound sterling! I could be kind of rich. The only problem is: I have no idea what to do next.

So thank you science, for providing this valuable insight, but fuck you science, for not giving me simple, clear instructions on how to parlay my finger length into financial well-offness.